Franklin Roosevelt once uttered the famous quote, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” He was wrong. We have to fear alligators. Particularly, alligators that are not where they should be —as in Michigan. 

Now, if I go to Florida, I know that any body of water can be teeming with creatures that are capable of killing me. Things like gators, pythons, and mosquitos the size of Big Macs. That’s why I always walk behind people in Florida. I’m both polite and letting others get eaten first. 

But Albion College near Kalamazoo Michigan reported multiple sightings this week of a gator or gators in the river. What am I supposed to do with that information? Are alligators taking over the Midwest? 

Frankly, if Franklin were alive today, I’d have a thing or two to say about that fearing fear concept. Because if the gators get a whiff of how many drunk college students hang out along Fall Creek in the Broadripple area just south of where I live, they will be migrating out of Michigan as fast as you can say, “John Nance Garner.” *

The pickings will be so easy that Indianapolis will soon have a population of slightly buzzed, overweight alligators and a university with a declining enrollment problem. 

And if they take over Fall Creek, then they will spread like crazy throughout Indiana and I’ll have to leave. I have a rule about not living in alligator-infested states. So, I’m taking recommendations on states that have the fewest natural (or unnatural) predators. 

And if you’re living in Illinois right now, laughing at Michigan’s misfortune, just remember that the Kalamazoo River flows into Lake Michigan. And I’m sure a gator would love the taste of a Chicago Style pizza stuffed resident of your state. 

So be vigilant people of the Midwest. I’m calling a mover. 

Carry on, Citizens!

*Roosevelt’s first Vice-President. Yeah, I had to look him up too.