There’s a holiday tradition that frightens me. It’s the drinking of egg nog. Humans weren’t meant to drink a liquid called nog. nog should be something that you keep in your garage. It should only come out for sealing your driveway or filling in the gaps in your bathroom tile. Nog has no business at a Christmas party commiserating with the cookies and other desserts.

The history of nog dates back to the early pilgrim days in a settlement called Nog. It was discovered that squirrels regurgitated a substance that—though thoroughly disgusting—contained rich nutrients. Being that the pilgrims were dying of starvation, they decided that squirrel vomit wasn’t the worse thing in the world. (Although moose vomit was clearly out of the question.)

Some of the more uppity pilgrims decided adding vanilla would make it go down easier and Vanilla Squirrel Vomit became the staple of pilgrim life in the small settlement of Nog. A year later the settlers of Nog were wiped out by an obscure disease that previously only affected squirrels.

Of course, their neighbors went on to form the town of Boston but honored their quirky neighbors by drinking nog at Christmastime. (They changed the name to nog, recognizing the obvious marketing disaster associated with a product named Vanilla Squirrel Vomit.) Once the population of Boston became larger than the population of nauseous squirrels, the ingredients were changed to the ones you know today.

So, this Christmas enjoy your Nog. Drink up, there’s plenty to go around. I won’t be having any.

Carry on, Citizens!