This morning when I first checked my phone I received a message from the National Weather Service. Not just a message mind you. It was an “advisory.” Anyone can give you a message. It takes a government agency to give you an advisory. 

This advisory informed me that my particular natural habitat was going to be experiencing a heat index of 105. It was in my best interest to avoid settings that might occur outside (including theatre in the park and political rallies). It was also in my best interest to avoid outside physical activities (meaning no yard work today, Woohoo!). 

It also told me to wear light-colored clothing. Fighting the sun with fashion is always a good idea. Just ask Yahoo News. (Motto: We Can Make This Stuff Up!) They are very concerned with what people wear during these hot days of summer. 

Every day, I see numerous stories in the Yahoo newsfeed that are some variation of this: 

_____________ (insert celebrity name) just wore ___________ (insert item of clothing) paired with _____________ (insert another item of clothing, accessories, or shoes) and we’re ______________ (insert current hip but truly stupid catchphrase like “and we’re here for it”). 

You click on the headline and encounter six paragraphs of drivel contrived by the celebrity, the fashion brand, and the retailer to pretend the star just happened to wear this in public and you should run out and buy it now.

Notice they never have real people headlines like this. Such as: 

Mary Jones in Kenosha wore a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. t-shirt, denim shorts & flip flops with gum on the sole, and the internet just broke!

Anyway, back to the advisory. Although I applaud the National Weather Service for this useful info, I feel our government could go one step further and provide us with Dumb Advisories or Idiot Advisories. 

Wouldn’t it be great to get a message on your phone at the start of the day to help you avoid stupid? For example, what if I could have had an advisory last week to tell me the school district thought it was a good idea to send out bus drivers on the first day of school that had never driven anything bigger than a Honda Civic? I would still have a mailbox, that’s what would have happened!

I imagine the National Idiot Service Advisories would look something like this:  

Idiot Advisory (August 24, 2021). The National Idiot Service has issued an advisory until 2 pm for your county. Larry McHume will be driving erratically to the grocery store on Maple Street where he will dent a car door and take 72 items into the 12 items or less line. He will also eat all the samples at the sausage and cheese display, so don’t even think about waiting for a taste. 

Be advised that Larry has been binge-watching a vampire show on the CW and is very distracted by the last episode, so get your eggs to a safe place because he’s a cart crasher when he’s like this. The Idiot Service currently believes grocery shopping will return to normal the rest of the afternoon. 

Now that’s tax money well spent! 

Carry on, Citizens!