A few weeks ago in Houston, a woman was playing a “gaming machine.” A gaming machine is a euphemism for gambling, much like “circle back” is a euphemism for “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.” 

Anyway, she was playing away at her euphemism and lost. I was unable to determine how much she lost because of the decrepit state of modern journalism. As you will see in a moment, it’s a pretty important detail.

Did I mention this euphemism was located in a convenience store? That’s important too. Because this store had a handy supply of lighter fluid and matches (something I’m certain they are going to rethink). The woman grabbed the lighter fluid, poured it on the machine, and set it on fire. 

You’d think that would be the end of the nonsense. Thankfully for us, it wasn’t. When she left the establishment —I’m assuming she was encouraged to do so—she was shot in the parking lot. The shooter was waiting to play the game after her. And apparently, she REALLY likes her euphemism time.

There are several lessons to be learned and questions to be asked. 

  1. How much money does one have to lose to snap and set the game on fire? 
  2. Does the convenience store owner regret not putting the beef jerky closer to the game and not the lighter fluid? 
  3. When the arresting officer filled out his report, did he cite the “obsessive need to play a euphemism” as a motive? Or did he just shed a tear because humanity is hurtling off a giant cliff?

I think the lesson for us all is that Texans take their gambling VERY seriously. So, if you find yourself in a Houston area convenience store with the urge to play the euphemism, be sure to check your surroundings. If there is lighter fluid near the euphemism, buy a lottery ticket instead.

Carry on, Citizens!