My wife and I took a road trip to Columbus Ohio to see the band Toto this weekend. Columbus is the home to Ohio State University and White Castle. There are probably some famous people from there, but I was too lazy to look them up. I do know (now) that it is the largest city in Ohio, which would have cost me a bet or two as I would have guessed Cleveland or Cincinnati.

Anyway, we went to see the Billy Ireland Cartoon Library and Museum on campus in the afternoon. If you have a chance, I highly recommend it. It has artifacts dating back to the 1800s and rotating exhibits along with the main museum. It also has a receptionist/security guard named Chet, who was groggy and, “just starting my day but I think it’s going to be a good one.”

Buoyed by Chet’s optimism, we toured the museum and were not disappointed. Be sure to open the drawers on the free-standing exhibits. You’ll find the subversive, underground, and naughty cartoons there. I think my wife enjoyed those more than I did!

After the museum, we had a nice dinner. On the way to the restaurant, we passed another that had “No GMOs” signs in their windows, on their door, and on sandwich board signs. Apparently, it’s their main selling point. However, a protest was going on. The GMOgens were protesting the GMO-free restaurant. If you’ve never heard of them, they are like vegans, except they ONLY eat foods containing GMOs —proving there’s a group for everything. We crossed to the other side of the street.

After dinner, we headed to the concert at the Mershon Center. Toto was great as always and the show was capped off by 2400 people blessing the rains down in Africa. I’m pretty sure we were having more fun than the people who were at the Bruce Springsteen concert just a few miles away, but I can’t confirm with any hard data.

After the show, we got ice cream because it’s a college town and places stay open late. While we were there, we saw a woman in the shortest skirt in the history of skirts panhandling inside the shop. I guess if you’re going to panhandle, the smart thing to do is set yourself apart from the competition. And she did by a) not looking like a panhandler, b) wearing a skirt that was no bigger than a scarf, c) complementing that with a thong, so both butt cheeks were 100% visible, and d) targeting all the men in the ice cream store.

She did not ask me for money and I’m certain that was because my wife was giving her the “keep your butt cheeks on that side of the store” look. Oh, and by the way, my wife spotted this woman and pointed her out to me first, for those of you who were thinking that I should have had my eyes on my ice cream.

But the fun didn’t end there. Even though we stayed at a nice hotel, I’m pretty sure I saw a hooker. There was a woman in the lobby when we got home who was wearing a bustier as top. I heard her say to a guy getting on the elevator, “come be my friend for 30 seconds while you wait.”

And like any fool in his twenties, the cleavage tractor beam pulled him away from the elevator and over to the leisure professional. I tried to warn him by whispering, “she might be your friend for 30 seconds, but herpes is for life,” but he was too far gone to be saved.

On the way home, I asked my wife if she would visit Columbus again, and she said, “yes, but in a less butt cheek/hookery part of town.”

I’m going to suggest to the Convention and Tourism people they label that section the “butt cheek/hookery part of town.” I’ll let you know what they say.

Carry on, Citizens!