I had to re-file my taxes. It could be because our government’s motto is “Anything painful is worth making taxpayers repeat.” Or it could be because I might have made a slight mistake on the first round. Tomato / “Tuhmahto”  

The point is I had to give an accountant even more money and then give the government even more money and spend even more time on something that should be much easier. We (the citizens) give the government A LOT of money each year. And that would be fine if they spend it on roads, and keeping us safe, etc. 

But our government takes a large portion of our taxes and spends it on silly stuff like funding research to see if weevils prefer line dancing or twerking. The underground nightclubs alone cost billions of dollars and the weevils mostly got drunk and ignored the dance floor. 

In 2011, the US spent $2.6 million dollars on a program to teach Eastern European legislators how to balance a budget. Hand to God, I’m not making that up. Our government, which hasn’t had a balanced budget in my lifetime, is teaching accounting to other governments? What could go wrong?

We spend over a million per year storing unused furniture. Hasn’t anybody in Washington heard of eBay? A few years ago we spent $5 million on swag to convince hipsters not to smoke. (Still not making that up). 

Until PETA stepped in, Northwestern U. received $3 million over a 20 year period to get hamsters to cage fight. Again, not making that up. 

The point of all this isn’t to get you riled up. The point is to get you to write your congress-mammal to get them to spend ridiculous tax money on my newsletter. Just think of all the “research” we could do with say, a $10 million allocation from taxpayers? 

I could add more vowels. I could send handwritten birthday cards to everyone on the subscriber list and study how much joy they bring. I could slip $10 (of taxpayer money) into every card! And, I promise not to use any of the money on cage-fighting hamsters (or any other critters). 

So, call/email/write to your representative and tell them to stop wasting money on weevils and hipsters and start wasting it on me and my dog. I think we can all come together on this and make the world a happier place! 

Carry on, Citizens!