
I was watching the TV adaptation of The Lincoln Lawyer the other night. The scene in question had the lawyers selecting members of the jury for an upcoming trial. The judge instructed the potential jurors to state their name, occupation, and marital status when called upon.
Within seconds, are started to giggle. My wife looked over and knew that the typical deranged mischief was going on in my head. She pondered whether it was worth getting another glimpse into my troubled mind, or if she should just enjoy the show. She couldn’t help herself, “what are you laughing about.”
I responded “you don’t want to know.” Why? Because I figured all of you might.
What I was thinking was if I was on a jury, how funny would it be to state, “I’m an oligarch” for my occupation?
Of course, I would run the risk of being dismissed as stating I’m an oligarch would immediately say to the room, “none of you are my peers.” A jury is supposed to be composed of your peers, but oligarchy by definition is an elite profession.
“So, Jeff why do you want to be known as an oligarch?” you’re thinking. Well first, nobody can prove you’re NOT an oligarch, for one thing. In my extensive oligarch research I’ve learned nobody who is one goes by that title. They get accused of it by the media and politicians. But nobody puts in on their business card. (Until now.)
Oligarchs deny they are oligarchs. According to them, they are just rich and powerful —neither of which I am, but I’m not really an oligarch either. But hey, as long as you all can keep a secret…
The other reason is oligarchs are powerful and feared. According to Wikipedia, oligarchs “use monopolistic tactics to dominate an industry.” I haven’t quite figured out how to dominate the publishing industry. In fact, I would say Michael Connelly, the author of the Lincoln Lawyer and the Bosch series in a true publishing oligarch. He’s had multiple books adapted into TV shows and movies. The closest I’ve come is finishing 2nd in a book to film adaptation contest.
So, I need either to form an alliance with Connelly or plan his demise via some dastardly deeds performed by henchmen that can’t be traced back to me. That’s what oligarchs do.
The problem with that plan is:
- I don’t have any henchmen. Or henchwomen.*
- As I’m not yet a true oligarch, I don’t have the funds to pay any henchmen.
- I like Michael Connelly novels and would prefer he remain a publishing oligarch.
So, I will need to identify other oligarch authors to take down, or just keep telling people I’m an oligarch until I’m committed or people believe it.
Or (and now my brain wheels are really turning), I could write a story about an oligarch academy somewhere in Eastern Europe where the ultra-wealthy send their kids to get training in consolidating power, sinister behavior, and navigating the HR minefields of henchmen and henchwomen employee benefits packages. Hmm, I might be on to something here. Would you read that story?
*This was at the insistence of Mrs. Oligarch.