Last week a story out of India flew beneath the radar (pun intended). India has accused Pakistan of using spy pigeons along the border.

  1. I’m not making this up. 
  2. No, this isn’t 1937. 

Can you believe it? In the year 2020, Pakistan is using spy pigeons. The highly trained feathered agent was captured in the border town of Manyari. Although he was caught with a coded message, there was no indication as to whether the bird was wearing a tuxedo as most spies do after 6 pm in James Bond movies. 

If you haven’t seen a James Bond film, I strongly recommend that you do so immediately. These are super accurate depictions of real-world intelligence community agents. To be one you have to be a highly attractive man or woman, know copious ways to kill people (and ways to avoid being killed), and have the sex drive of a teenage rabbit.

It’s not surprising that the bird was caught in Manyari. This is that part of the world that at any given moment is claimed by Pakistan, Kashmir, India, and Kanye. So, the bird might have been a little confused by where he was. 

In addition to being confused, I’m worried he may have consumed too many martinis (shaken not stirred). Martinis are like water to spies, but even they can eventually become intoxicated. 

This bird flew into an everyday person’s home and was captured by villagers. A true spy doesn’t get captured by villagers. They get captured by villains. Or so the true-to-life depictions of spies in the James Bond movies have taught me. 

Unlike the movie spies, this bird is still in captivity as of the time of this email. A movie spy would have freed him or herself in about ten minutes. So, all indications are, this is an inexperienced spy bird.

My guess is, the Indian spy agency is training a femme fatale pigeon to seduce the Pakastani bird and learn all of his secrets. That’s how agents are compromised in James Bond films. If the femme fatales don’t work, they torture the spies. If physical torture doesn’t work, they make the spy watch Real Housewives of New York. Of course, that wouldn’t work on a pigeon because he would tune out the housewives and focus on all the buildings and sculptures he could poop on in the Big Apple. 

I’m just glad that somebody is back to using good old fashion spy techniques instead of drones and internet hacking. It warms my heart and inspires me. Which reminds me, I have to sign off. I’m training a squirrel to spy on my neighbors. 

Carry on, Citizens!

photo credit: Magda2Genève A jaunty visitor via photopin (license)