I suppose it was inevitable. I’ve heard about these blackmail emails that people have been getting. Someone emails you and claims they have control of your computer and if you don’t send them money to their Bitcoin wallet, they are going to spill your private life all over the internet. 

Some of these email threats are real. Like the recent takeover of the Colonial Pipeline. Some are just bluffing, trying to scare you out of your money. 

Yesterday, one came to my email inbox. The guy who wrote my letter closed with “take care.” I’m not sure if he’s a pipeline kind of scammer or a bluffer. But he’s at least courteous.

The would-be thief insists that I send $1650 in Bitcoin or he’ll expose my private data and whatnot to my contact list. He also claims that he’s had control of my camera and he plans to put my videos on YouTube if I don’t pay up. 

Now, let me start by saying if this has happened to you, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such a thing. I’m sure it was very traumatic. For me, well, this is the break I’ve been looking for!!!

You see, if the Kardashian family story arc is any indication, having a viral video of me released to the general public is the ticket to notoriety. And notoriety leads to reality shows. And reality shows lead to book sales, giant piles of cash, and giving your kids random names like directions or cities. 

Not that I want to name my kids anything weird. Or have more of them for that matter. (We just got them to leave for Heaven’s sake!) But the point is, when you’re rich, you can be eccentric. Until now, I’m just the weird guy in the neighborhood. 

So, I told the cyber thief I wasn’t going to pay the ransom. “Go ahead and release the embarrassing videos of me,” I said.  Unfortunately, there probably isn’t anything as racy as Kim K’s video. If the guy really did control my camera, he probably has lots of video of me asking my dog, “do you think this is funny?” 

And that must be why he responded back that he would take half. I told him, “No way. Start uploading that video of me at lunchtime last week, spilling dipping sauce for my breadsticks on my laptop to YouTube right away.” 

He made one more offer of $100. I told him, “Nope. You had to have been recording when I was singing along with Samantha Fish on iTunes. Upload that! I need to go viral.” 

He emailed back to forget it. Now, I’m harassing him. I’ve offered $1650 in Bitcoin if he DOES upload my embarrassing moments. He’s still playing hardball. I’ll keep you posted.  

Carry on, Citizens!