Last week I shared the story of the colonoscopy prank. (Thanks to all of you who shared your ideas about how to get the fortune cookie down in one piece, by the way.) Just so you know, sister Kate came through with flying colors, although she didn’t try any funny business, which I consider a huge, missed opportunity. So, I’ll keep you posted on my upcoming procedure in September.

I realized I forgot to mention another moment when my wife and her friends turned to me and said, “What is wrong with you?” This one happened just after I was sharing how I wanted to prank a door-to-door salesperson. My idea is to have fake blood stationed by the front door. When the doorbell rings, I splash water on my face (so it looks like I’m sweating), run to the door (so I’m out of breath), pour the fake blood on my head, then open the door. Before the roofer, politician, or girl scout* has time to say a word, I step out, grab them by the shoulders, and shout, “Run! She’s got a knife!” 

Then I run through the front yard and down the sidewalk, leaving the terrified salesperson to fend for themselves.

This brilliant idea was met with extreme prejudice and derision from my wife’s circle of friends. When I pointed out we have a porch camera and we would be able to watch it over and over again, this didn’t seem to sway them one bit. In fact, most of them said they weren’t going to let their kids come by on Halloween.

I guess I’ll have to stick to messing with people that spam-text me. These are usually from people that call me by the wrong name and have the wrong address. I’ve shared a few of those in previous posts. For example, somebody wanted to know if I could jump on a call and discuss selling my property at 13462 Forum Meadows Drive. (I don’t know who actually lives there, but realtors try to get me to sell it a couple of times a month.)

I responded:

“I’m taking enemy fire right now, so I can’t jump on a call. I suspect I’ll need the place for a few nights (we’re knocking over a bank). But once the coast is clear, we might be open to offers. Can you send the check to a non-extradition country?”

He didn’t respond.

The way I see it, life is short. And hard. So, make it funny.

Carry on, Citizens!

*Just kidding! I wouldn’t prank a girl scout. Thin Mint dealers are royalty in my book!