I’m feeling discombobulated. In fact, our whole house is discombobulated. My dog is stressed. My wife is restless. And everything is piled in corners.

The US Department of Home Renovation forced us at gunpoint to rip out our carpet and replace it. I bet you didn’t know the government has a Department of Home Renovation, did you? Well, your tax dollars are hard at work making sure the contractors and home supply companies have jobs and customers. 

Normally, they don’t have to resort to threats. They just secretly keep you unsatisfied with your current living conditions with things like HGTV and Better Homes & Gardens. And you thought those were private entities! Nope, those are all part of the Renovation Industrial Complex. Joanna Gaines is the actual Secretary of the Interior. 

Most American Citizens, faced with a barrage of home shows and grocery check-out counter magazines will eventually cave and repaint a room or at least buy some throw pillows. But we were the odd holdouts. 

Then, someone tipped off the Department of Home Renovation (pretty sure it was my mom) that our carpet was really old. And when I say really old, I mean as in original carpet from a house built in the 80s. The Soviet Union was still open for business (so-to-speak) when this carpet was installed. 

And since we held out so long, they are forcing us to upgrade some other flooring as well. It’s our penalty for not contributing to the renovation economy on a regular basis. We’ve also been ordered to perform 40 hours of wandering the aisles of hardware stores like Lowes and Home Depot. 

Hopefully, by this time next week, I’ll be out on renovation probation and able to live a normal combobulated life.