Someone sent me their warmest regards today. Do you realize what that means? Those regards can’t be any warmer! If they were, they would be hot regards. And you know that hot regards wouldn’t be appropriate in a business setting. I think we’ve all seen what sending your hottest regards can lead to in Hollywood, Government, the Today Show…

But these were warmest regards. The best regards you can get and not wind up on TMZ. It made me wonder if this person has ever sent lesser regards. Or do they just toss out the warmest regards willy-nilly? If I hadn’t been so helpful, would I have received just “regards” —the room temperature of regards? Maybe not.

I wonder if this person has ever sent cold regards? Or their “chilliest regards?” Can you imagine getting someone’s “chilliest regards?” I think I’m going to write my Congress Mammal and sign it with my chilliest regards. She hasn’t done a whole lot to impress me. But what if that woke her up? What if she read that and thought, “chilliest regards? That can’t be good. That kind of thing could spread and I would have to leave Washington DC and do something with my life. No, this won’t do. I better do something to impress that Stanger guy in my district. I know, I’ll introduce a bill to make Opening Day of baseball season a National Holiday. That would sure warm up his regards!”

And that’s how you get results people! So send out some chilliest regards to those who deserve it. And some warm ones to those who have earned it as well.

Carry on, Citizens!