I’ve written about how I love torturing scammers and spammers before, and today one of those instances popped up in my Facebook memories. It made me laugh, so I thought I would share.

It’s from 2019, and I don’t think I shared this one before, but if I did, my apologies. Below is an email I got and my response. 

From the spammer (Typos and all):

Good day! Your long awaiting fund have been converted into a MASTER CARD that will be withdrew worldwide via ATM. Get back to me with your address and other details to enable me forward the delivery company in charge of the delivery and also the tracking number.


Mr. Paul UKA

Central Bank of Nigeria

And this is what I sent back to him: 

Dr. Paul, Huzzah! 

It is proper and fortuitous that you have chosen to pay tribute to me in this manner. Although, I must say you have certainly waited a long time to do so. Your tardiness has not gone unnoticed, but I shall hold your punishment in abeyance until I witness the nature of your commitment. 

As such, I trust you have converted your tribute to sixpence, as this is the only currency with which I trade. I shall require that you deliver 4,000 sixpence coins to me on All Hallow’s Eve of this year. You should do so dressed a Roman Centurion or Ford Fairlane from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. (Don’t forget your towel.) 

As you are contacting me from Nigeria, you may be unaware of our customs. All Hallow’s Eve takes place on October 31st. On this holiday, all Citizens pay tribute to me. They dress themselves and their children in clothes that depict the depth and breadth of our culture and present themselves to me at my front door. 

If I find their garments pleasing, I shower them with sugary treats. If they are found wanting, they are made to change into sackcloth and their garments are burned in a huge fire. Then they must trot off into the night in shame. 

Such will be your fate should your garments displease me. I am counting on you to honor your country by carrying out this task flawlessly. Should you have questions, have your people contact my people, but only on Wednesdays. 

May all your tray tables by upright and your garnishes be parsley. 


Keyser Soze

It should be noted that Paul did not complete the assigned task by showing up at my house dressed as a Roman centurion or Ford Fairlane on Halloween 2019, or any subsequent Halloween, for that matter. By my estimation, he now owes me 5,000 sixpence coins (if those still exist) or a couple of cases of Old Crafty Hen beer. I’ll be waiting. 

Carry on, Citizens!