Over the weekend, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce had a small, tasteful wedding in a charming little chapel on the East Coast. Just kidding! They had an over-the-top extravaganza so big it had to be held in Madison Square Garden.
This made me think that if (heaven forbid) they ever get divorced, the proceedings should be in an arena as well. There should be jousting or some sort of hand-to-hand combat. I can see an army of Swifties on one side and an army of Kansas City Chiefs fans on the other. The carnage would be glorious!
I, for one, love weddings because a) the word nuptials makes me giggle, and b) there’s cake. Any event that has an implication of cake being served (weddings, birthdays, anniversaries), I’m there.
Speaking of anniversaries, my own anniversary is coming up soon. This will be our 14th, which I’m told is the ivory anniversary. Apparently, it’s out of fashion to give elephant ivory, so you have to give fake ivory, or I found a company in Oregon that sells jewelry made of woolly mammoth tusks.
And while we’re on the subject of tusks, one of my all-time favorite quotes is from an article in The Atlantic about the artist Bjork: “At a proper Bjork exhibition, you’d be shot in the face with an aerated gel smelling of licorice and walrus tusks.”
For my anniversary, I considered starting dinner off by shooting an aerated gel smelling of licorice and walrus tusks at my wife, but I don’t think it would be appreciated for the artistic statement that it is. Plus, I spoke with the restaurant where I’m planning to have this spectacular anniversary event to see if they minded my bringing my aerated gel sprayer. They cancelled my reservation. Maybe I’ll go with just a flower and a card.
Carry on, Citizens!
