Some of my friends are starting a fantasy football league. I haven’t played for a few years, so I’m thinking about getting back in the game so to speak. This means that I will be the coach, GM, and owner of a virtual football team. This virtual “team” will consist of real players. However, they won’t actually know they are on a team together. That’s why I’m going to pay someone to Photoshop a team photo of my players. I’ll send them a copy, just so they know who they are playing with in my virtual football world.

Many years ago, the NFL and sports commentators made fun of fantasy football. Then they realized the people who play fantasy football tend to watch more games than those that don’t. Since then, the NFL has its own fantasy league and sports networks changed the way they deliver stats in-game in order to please the fantasy fans.

Which leads me to my next thought: If I can have fantasy players, why not fantasy fans and cheerleaders? For that matter, if it’s MY fantasy, why can’t my quarterback be a Wookie or a Griffin? On second thought, I would like my defensive end to be a Wookie. And I want my middle linebacker to be Darth Vader. Not the Episode III, lovesick Vader. Not the Episode VI, family reunion Vader. I want the Episode IV, mean as hell Vader! Now he could anchor a defense! And if a call doesn’t go our way, he can force choke the refs.

I want Batman as my quarterback and the Hulk as my center. Reggie Wayne would be my go-to receiver because—he’s Reggie Wayne! (I know he’s retired, but this is fantasy football!) Thus, I would have the Wayne to Wayne touchdown tandem. Chris Berman is already salivating for this one!

As for fantasy fans, I have Citizens! That’s what I will name the team, by the way. So, we may need to bring back the Citizen t-shirts. Some of you long-time subscribers will remember! Now about those fantasy cheerleaders… I’ve spoken to my wife about this, and she says that under no circumstances am I allowed to have fantasy cheerleader tryouts. Which is a bummer, because I had already picked out their costumes.

So, when my fantasy team plays, the fantasy fans will have to entertain themselves between plays and will be on their own to know when to shout “defense” and other cheers to get the fantasy players to know when to step it up. I think that’s asking a lot, but I don’t make the rules. At any rate, football season is upon us. So, enjoy your favorite real team. Or favorite fake team.

Carry on, Citizens!