Americans are fighting with each other again. This time, it’s over bathrooms. Some people want transgender persons to use any bathroom they want. Some people want them to go to the bathroom that matches their current set of tools.

I say, keep everyone out of the bathroom. Gay, straight, transgender, hockey fans, and people who watch The View. All of them out. I don’t want to go to the bathroom with anybody. America needs single serve bathrooms. I base this on years of going to the bathroom and being disturbed by the following:

  1. Once in an airport bathroom, a guy walked up to the urinal, unzipped his pants and started laughing out loud.
  2. I watched two guys at a Reds game talking to each other at the urinal. They were so drunk, they didn’t realize they were peeing on the wall, the floor, and each other.
  3. I had to listen to a guy hurling in the stall next to me at the Atlanta airport.
  4. In the Indianapolis airport, I listened to two guys in their late forties/early fifties go on and on about how whatever they had just seen before coming into the bathroom was awesome sauce. They literally used the phrase “awesome sauce” over and over. Repeating it back to each other. It was like watching two teenage girls. Maybe they were transgeneration. It got so bad, I walked over to a stall and slammed my head in the door. When I woke up, my carry on was gone, but so were the Awesome Sauce Bros. I considered it a wash.
  5. At the College World Series, I was in a stall next to a well-known ESPN commentator. As soon as he closed the door and sat down, he dialed his wife and had a very loud conversation. I just wanted to say to Mrs. Patrick, I’m sorry for the noise, but I had Mexican for lunch that day.
  6. I was in the Convention Center during the Women’s Final Four while they were hosting the NCAA Women’s Basketball Coaches convention. Two guys walk into the bathroom and one says to the other, “there are a lot of tall women walking around here today.”

The point is, there is too much nonsense in all bathrooms. I want everybody out. I want to be able to go in peace. I want to be able to focus on the next blog topic while I’m in there. I don’t want to listen to people puke, dodge the pee of Reds fans and hear what Mr. Patrick thinks of the food in Omaha. Join me in my quest for peaceful potties.

Carry on, Citizens!