Last weekend I saw a Christmas display in a store that was the same size as their Halloween display. We’ve officially entered the Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas marketing portion of the year. Municipalities all over the country are infusing pumpkin spice into the water supply and compulsory wreath-making classes are being held in barns throughout the Midwest.

And if you’re an early shopper, now is the time to grab those gadgets before they are gone. So, I thought of helping you out with a list of ideas for the person on your list who likes technology. Of course, I skipped over all the hip new stuff coming out and looked for the odd merchandise that will set you apart as a gift giver (or will get you uninvited to next year’s family gathering).

  • A company called iRestore has a helmet you can wear to grow hair! Apparently, it fires low-level lasers at your skull to stimulate hair growth. What could go wrong? I’m waiting for them to come out with a knee pad version so I can grow knee beards. I contacted their customer service people to see when I could expect to see those in stores. They asked if I would not call them anymore. This might be something I have to invent myself.
  • Dyson is selling air-purifying headphones. They have mini-fans on either side that suck in air, purify it, then shoot it towards your mouth and nose. I think if they market these to moms with teenagers, this might be a huge seller.
  • There’s a toaster that will print your face on the slice of bread. It’s called the Selfie Toaster and I wish I was making that up. It’s basically a laser printer inside a toaster. I want to get one and have our super tech-savvy oldest son hack it for me. Then repackage it and give it as a gift. The plan is to have every 10th piece of toast come out looking like the creepy clown from the movie/novel IT. I’ll keep you posted.
  • Hapifork has a vibrating fork to keep you from eating too fast. It’s designed to slow you down to at least a 20-minute meal. This made me think if you can build a smart fork, then surely they could make one that throws the food back on the plate when you’ve had too much!
  • A company called Miracle is selling what they call self-washing bed sheets. I called to see if they sell self-washing underwear and again got the “don’t call us back” response. I can’t believe how many people just turn down these amazing business ideas!

Of course, you could skip all of these and just send them one of my books. They’re just as odd as everything on this list, but safer than laser helmets and vibrating forks.

Carry on, Citizens!