Last week I went to Phoenix for Spring Training. If you follow baseball, you’ll know that there was no Spring Training due to the player/owner labor dispute. I offered to help them settle it by officiating a rock/paper/scissors contest, but the league office no longer takes my calls. 

But since this was a family vacation and we had already paid for everything well in advance (with no refunds), we went anyway. The desert is delightful this time of year and we had fun. And we saw exactly zero snakes, which was a huge plus as my wife was convinced Arizona was full of them. I didn’t tell her about the scorpions. 

I did notice on the way there and back that airport behavior is hurtling towards an all-new low. I didn’t see any fights that would make on YouTube, but I did see a woman try to take a gun through security. I saw pushing and shoving, and one person was appalled that she couldn’t go through security without a) an ID and b) a boarding pass. It was as if she thought she could just wake up (she was wearing pajamas) and stroll onto any random plane. Pretty entertaining stuff. 

My favorite was the person who brought large bottles of shampoo, lotion, etc. in her carry-on. When they told her she couldn’t take them on, she said, “just move them to my purse.” 

The TSA agent said, “Aren’t you taking your purse on the plane?” 

“Yes,” she replied. 

He looked at his co-worker and they just shook their heads. They couldn’t decide who was going to explain that the Bottle Size Fairy doesn’t shrink your shampoo bottle when you put it in a smaller bag.

Back to baseball, I did get inspired one day to write a story about the lockout. It’s about a fan who snaps because there’s no Spring Training. Not sure if you’d call it satire or fantasy, but it was cathartic. It’s a little raw, but you can download it for free here

Now, I’m back in Indiana where it’s cold and rainy and the Sunny Weather Fairy is as absent as the Bottle Size Fairy. I’m starting to believe they don’t exist. 

Carry on, Citizens!