This weekend the British crowned a new king. If you’ve never been, it’s an epic celebration of all things royal. People wear epic hats and silly –I mean traditional–costumes and pack into Westminster Abbey to watch a lot of singing, reciting, pledges of loyalty, a man getting doused with oil, and finally a crown for the new king and his wife.

I was not invited, as the royal family has a long memory, and they weren’t impressed with one of my previous posts about royals. I’m guessing something about Windsor Castle sucks out the sense of humor.

Not to worry though. We watched it on TV.

My wife was watching the proceedings with great interest. And I managed to annoy her by walking by every so often and asking if they had gotten to the “airing of grievances” or the “feats of strength?” Of course, those aren’t actual parts of the royal ceremony. They’re part of the celebration of Festivus from the classic episode of the TV show Seinfeld. (I had to take her to a nice dinner to apologize for my insolence.)

Now that we have a new King, I thought about applying for Court Jester, as I’m sure the benefits are pretty good. Think about it! What a gig. You live in a castle, wear a ridiculous hat, and your only job is to make the king laugh. And this is the 21st century, so you can’t be beheaded if you have the occasional off day and don’t get a giggle out of him.

But I have a few things going against me. One, I’m technically not British. Two, there is the matter of my blog a few years back. And three, the royals haven’t employed a court jester since 1728.

If you think about how huge the British footprint in the world was prior to 1728, I’m starting to feel the lack of a proper jester might be at the heart of the fall of the Empire. Let’s face it, they downsized the jester, and 50 years later they’ve lost the entire New World to a bunch of hillbillies. Not a good look.

So King Charles III, if you want to restore the greatness of your country, look at my resume and we can talk salary, benefits, and headwear.

Carry on, Citizens!