Now that the Oscars are over (I didn’t watch), news is trickling out about this year’s swag bags. If you’re not familiar with this tradition, let me summarize. 

Each year a bunch of companies pay the people who put on the Academy Awards a big pile of cash for the privilege of lavishing free stuff on pampered celebrities. The 25 people who are nominated in the acting & directing categories get a swag bag filled with goodies with the understanding that they will then post tweets, Instagram pics, etc. using the products or mention them when they go on shows like Ellen, The Tonight Show, or The View. 

The cash value of these bags is a whopping $200K. And everyone gets a bag, even the losers. It’s the greatest participation trophy ever!!

This year’s bag features a $12K spa package and liposuction. I can see the Instagram photo now. A woman, holding the trophy that signifies a lifelong goal while pointing to the place on her thighs where she got a few quarts sucked out. Or the best director nominee showing Jimmy Kimmel his new 6-pack abs courtesy of The Hollywood Fat-Be-Gone Clinic & Wellness Center.

The bags also feature a gold plated cannabis vaporizer, a trip to French Polynesia, a vegan bubble bath (I had no idea), and affirmation candles. 

I for one can get on board with the affirmation candles. I sometimes feel as if the candles my wife buys are judging me. That raspberry pomegranate candle in the kitchen is filled with scorn, I just know it. 

Probably the most bizarre item in the swag bag is a little hammer for the purpose of breaking car windows in the event a celebrity spots a dog locked in a hot car. (And of all the things I’ve made up in this newsletter/blog over the years, hand-to-God I’m not making this up). 

Just how many celebrities are discovering dogs in the backs of cars? Is there an epidemic? Seriously, when was the last time any of these people even saw a parking lot? Don’t they usually get dropped off at the door by their car service of choice? 

I spoke at length to my dog about this and he’s convinced that if his life depended on an Oscar nominee breaking the window of a car, he would be in doggie heaven for sure. However, he has hope that the celebrity’s bodyguard would wrestle the hammer away from the actor and break the window. He then asked if I planned on taking him on any drives in the near future and if so, he’d pass. 

So, if your favorite actor/director didn’t win the Oscar this year, take comfort in the fact that they can soak away their disappointment in a vegan bubble bath, visit the clinic this week and vacuum out some extra belly fat, then hit the grocery store parking lots of Los Angeles looking for dogs to rescue. 

Carry on, Citizens!