On the way home from our North Carolina trip, we passed a man that was peeing by the side of the road. He wasn’t making any attempt to disguise what he was doing. No scurrying off into the bushes for this guy. No discreet coverage with an open car door. Nope. This guy marched 10 feet from his car, dropped his pants, and relieved himself in the hills of West Virginia. Or was it Virginia? I don’t really know, that part of the trip was a blur. They should just merge into one Virginia.

But Mr. Road Pee wasn’t a blur. Neither was his teenage son who had recently found religion and was praying that NOBODY he knew drove by at that moment. There may or may not have been a wife covering her head in the passenger seat.

As we passed, my wife asked, “Who does that?”

And I answered, “Him. He does that.”

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I should have pulled over and asked his name. I would have said shake his hand, but I think it’s obvious why that was out. Most people would only see a man peeing and the embarrassed travelers accompanying him. But I saw (a few miles too late) the answer to one of life’s ultimate questions—who does that? Him! He does that.

Someone who would pee on the side of the road without making any effort to hide it is probably guilty of many other “who does that” types of behavior. In fact, I went on Twitter and typed that phrase in and THOUSANDS of tweets asked that very question. And if I had only asked his name, I could have had the answer to the question! So, I decided to make up a name for my roadside pee guy, Oliver Winchel.

For example (these are actual Tweets):

  1. Annabel asks, “You guys I bought new toilet paper and it’s not perforated ???!! Who does that.” And my response: Oliver Winchel. He is the godfather of all products that vex you!
  2. JR thinks chivalry is dead, “for heaven’s sake he had the umbrella and let her walk in the rain. Who does that?” And I said, “Oliver Winchel. He doesn’t hold the umbrella for anybody!”
  3. Emeka is calling people out. “Tomiwa sleeps with lights on. Who does that?” Oliver Winchel does, that’s who!
  4. Jeremy wants to know who’s been reporting his tweets to his ex. “Who does that?” Oliver Winchel, Jeremy. And Oliver is always watching.
  5. And finally, Kevin asks, “My 6yo woke up in the middle of the night, sat up and wiped his nose on the blanket, then went back to sleep. Who does that?!” Oliver Winchel, that’s who. And your 6-year-old is watching Oliver’s YouTube channel for more disgusting behavior ideas. Just wait until your next family road trip…

So, now you know. When someone asks, “Who does that” you can say with authority that Oliver Winchel does that. Maybe they will believe you. My wife doesn’t.

Carry on, Citizens!