I’m writing to you from Canada today! Can you believe they let me in? I know my wife sure couldn’t. I think our family had a pool going on for how long I would be detained at the border. So, she’s a little sore, that she lost.
Mostly she was afraid that I would say something dumb (or what I think is funny) and get a long afternoon answering questions, verifying my identity, and having various body cavities searched for contraband.
I must say, it was touch and go there for a while. When I got to customs, they asked if I wanted to declare anything. “Yes,” I almost said. “War on Canada.” But a voice in my head kept saying, “you can’t get arrested in Canada.” So, I thought of all the other things I could “declare.” Like, declaring my love for Canada. or declaring bankruptcy. But in the end, I bit my tongue and didn’t engage in any sort of mischief and simply said no.
And it’s a good thing too. Because I could have missed one of the greatest inventions known to humanity, right there in the airport lobby. As I came down the escalator from baggage claim, low and behold there was a cake vending machine. CAKE!!! Canada was welcoming me with CAKE. How could you not love a country that loves cake!!
The cake joy was short-lived, however. I think it was a ruse. Because I haven’t found another cake machine anywhere. What is everywhere, however, is a dish called poutine. Poutine is an April Fool’s joke committed by the citizens of Quebec on the rest of the country back in the 1950s. It involves pouring random ingredients on top of French fries and selling the result for $8.00 (Canadian*). And now it’s the National Dish! Somewhere in Quebec, two frat guys still haven’t stopped laughing.
The reason I’m in Canada is for a conference. I can’t go into all the marvelously funny things I’ve seen here, unfortunately. Because I have to keep my day job. And somebody in my industry might accidentally read this. I’m pretty sure that was one of the rules that came before the one about not getting arrested in Canada. But I can tell you that I saw a guy taking selfies in the mirror of a public bathroom He didn’t even stop shooting when I was drying my hands behind him. And, I saw a woman on her phone walk into a pole. So, it’s been a wild ride.
After Canada, I want to go to Chile. There’s a guy down there, I want to meet. He is, and I’m not exaggerating here, my all-time hero. One day he came up with an idea: build the biggest pool ever. It’s the kind of ridiculous idea that I come up with from time to time as most of you who read this newsletter regularly know. Except this guy actually got a company to spend a billion dollars to build it. So, near the town of Algarrobo, there is a resort next to the beach with a 1-kilometer long / 20-acre swimming pool. You can actually sail a boat in it!
I called the US Embassy in Chile to see if they could connect me to the pool guy. They were evasive. But I’m undaunted. I’m going to see the pool. Meet the mad genius who thought of it. And ask him if the cake vending person is a relative.
Carry on, Citizens!
*Canadian money has moose, ducks, and beavers on it. Not all at the same time, of course. That would be silly.