Lately, I’ve been considering a new business idea. If you’ve been to a greeting card store lately (or the greeting card aisle of your local pharmacy), you’ve probably noticed they are woefully lacking in the types of cardboard sentiment that capture the current culture.

For example, someone I know let their ex-wife move back in, but they didn’t get remarried. His three sons are not hers. So (I’m looking at you Hallmark) just what the heck are they supposed to get her for Mother’s Day? There is no ex-step-mommy/current girlfriend section at the card store.

I know someone else who had their mid-twenties son move back in recently. We give cards to people when they have a new baby. Where’s the sympathy card for when that manbaby returns home after his career as a latte artist didn’t pan out?

You know where I’m going with this, right? An alternative greeting card company for all those areas of life where Hallmark falls short. I think it should include a line of cards and a divorce registry. Why isn’t there a divorce registry (similar to a wedding registry)? People are losing half their stuff! And that’s the stuff that was left from the inevitable angry-breaking-of-things period that typically precedes the divorce.

The possibilities are endless. Here are some of my initial product line ideas.

  1. The “Sorry your daughter got fired for twerking on the job and sharing it on TikTok” card.
  2. The “Everyone in the neighborhood wishes you would take down your Christmas decorations already –it’s June for heaven’s sake” card.
  3. The “Sorry your ex-wife/husband gutted your 401K before they left” – card. (I figure I can sell ad space on the back of this card to financial planners. WIN-WIN!)
  4. The “Congrats on finding a vegan spareribs recipe” card.
  5. The “Gift card holder for a real BBQ joint for people whose significant others force them to eat vegan spareribs” card. (You’ve got to play both sides in this industry.)

Political division is ripping up families. And there should be a card for that too! Something like, “You’re too far (right or left) for our family! You should leave. And take your twenty-something brother with you.” And of course, right next to it would be this card: “I can’t stand your unbending (right or left) views. I no longer respect you. I’m leaving. But even though I plan to make fun of your views on Twitter, you should continue to pay my cell phone bill. And my car insurance.”

The point is, we’re a society that likes to express ourselves. And I think I can make money off that. I’m going to need it. I see a moving van pulling into the driveway…

Carry on, Citizens!