Somebody wants to buy Shiree’s house. Shiree must have the end-all/be-all of houses because people are texting her multiple times a week, trying to buy her place. There is only one problem: They think I’m Shiree. 

For a little over a year now, I’ve been getting text messages addressed to Shiree, asking if I want a cash offer on an address that isn’t mine. I’ve politely asked them to stop, told them I wasn’t Shiree, and even sent pictures of myself (tasteful of course) to prove I’m not Shiree. 

They won’t stop. 

So, I’ve been messing with them recently. After one text, I told them I wasn’t interested in selling that property but had another I wanted to dump. They got all excited and asked for the address. I gave them 1060 West Addison St, Chicago in a nod to the movie Blues Brothers (that’s the address to Wrigley Field).   

I thought that would get rid of them. It didn’t. 

Yesterday they texted again. I replied that I would take $750K or a signed copy of the Beatles White Album. I’ll let you know if they counteroffer. 

I’ve been thinking of more ways to mess with them. So, I came up with a series of questions for next time I hear from them: 

1) Our boys (all out of school now) recently admitted that they routinely peed in the sump pump drain in the basement. If the prospective buyers have boys, can we claim an extra 1/2 bath in the house? 

2) There are random burn marks on the door frame of our upstairs linen closet. Will they require me to paint over those? Because if the new buyers have kids, they will want to keep those. See, when our kids were younger and much more impressionable, I told them that the closet was actually a portal to hell and that I would be leaving it unlocked between the hours of 11 pm and 6 am. Since they would have to go right by that door to get downstairs in the middle of the night, let’s just say nighttime shenanigans dropped to zero for a REALLY long time. 

3) Do I have to disclose that one of the backyard squirrels is a jerk? If not, I would like to omit that. You see he throws nuts at our dog and I’m afraid your buyers might have second thoughts about the caliber of rodents living in our neighborhood.

I think all of these will keep the “I’ll buy your house for cash” spammers at bay. Feel free to share your own. 

Carry on, Citizens!