Bird watchers are positively giddy with the news that the first-ever bat falcon has been spotted in the United States. If you read that and had to do a double-take, so did I. Until about 10 minutes ago, I had never heard of a bat falcon. 

At first, I thought it was made up. A marketing ploy, like Kim Kardashian marrying Kanye West. But the bat falcon is real—just not as terrifying as Kim & Kanye. 

The bat falcon is normally found in Mexico, Central, and South America. Much to my disappointment, it was not created in a lab by scientists. If my tax money is going to odd forms of animal research, I would rather have it spent on crossing bats with falcons instead of putting makeup on rabbits. I remember those Saturday morning cartoons when Buggs Bunny put on lipstick and eye shadow and nothing good came of it. 

I also learned that the bat falcon does not fight crime. I thought that the bat falcon would be a much better sidekick to Batman than Robin. But alas, the bat falcon has no interest in battling nefarious villains. Instead, he likes they like to hunt mice, bats, and birds. 

If you’re wondering why I said “he,” it’s because the one spotted in the U.S. is believed to be male. My guess is the female bat falcon stopped to ask for directions and that’s why she’s living it up in her home country while the male is lost in Texas. 

According to Wikipedia, “Bat falcons perch conspicuously on high, open snags, from which they launch aerial attacks on their prey.” Once I read that, I knew I needed to own one, so I can study its technique. Conspicuously perching is something I aspire to. I want people in restaurants and sporting events to point at me and ask their friends, “why is that man conspicuously perching.” 

“I don’t know,” their friends will reply. “But keep an eye on him. He may launch an aerial attack any moment.” 

So, I’m off to Texas to find the bat falcon. My wife insists that I’m already good at perching. Too good in fact. She feels I perch too much. She also feels there’s nothing inconspicuous about the way I do it. But she doesn’t have the trained eye of a bird watcher. And since no bird watcher has confused me with the bat falcon, I obviously have a lot of refining to do with my technique. 

Carry on, Citizens!