This weekend, I opened a box of baseball cards from 1989. The gum was so stuck to the back card of each pack, you would have thought it had been glued on. I managed to get it off but didn’t have the courage to taste it. I’m at the age where it would take a dare and some cash to get me to chew thirty-seven-year-old gum.
According to the internet (always right since 9:30 this morning), gum has a shelf life of 12-18 months. I did look up what would happen if I chewed it, and according to the Cleveland Clinic, it “will safely pass through your digestive system and be excreted in a couple of days.”
So, no risk of death, but it did get me wondering how they knew? Is there an old gum tester position at the Cleveland Clinic? Do they test expired confections of all kinds or just the chewy kinds? Do they get hazard pay? I suppose if there is an adverse reaction, they don’t have to call an ambulance. They’re already at the clinic! Win/win.
I bet it’s a high-turnover job. Still, I’m not opposed to exploring that as a retirement gig. I wonder if I could work remotely? That probably wouldn’t work since being near medical care is a must if a 40-year-old Reese Cup causes you to hallucinate and projectile vomit.
I read recently that archeologists found 3000-year-old honey and that it was considered edible. I wonder if they sent it to the Cleveland Clinic or field-tested it?
Switching gears, I once found a bottle of sunscreen in my parents’ house from 1980. This was in 2010. They bought it when Jimmy Carter was still president! My mom tried to convince me to use it. “I’m sure it’s fine,” she said. Ironically, I looked up the shelf life of sunscreen, and it was three years according to… the Cleveland Clinic again!
Let’s hope the same person who tested the 37-year-old gum didn’t have to test the sunscreen from the Carter administration.
Carry on, Citizens! (And check those expiration dates!)
