Life is filled with questions. Not just the obvious ones like where are my socks? Or Are there aliens who can play baseball? There are deep existential questions like who was the best actor to play Batman? And if a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?

A recent article I saw from the UK caused me to ask a similar question. If a person wins a cheese-rolling race while unconscious, did they actually win? Apparently, the answer is yes. In Gloucester, England, (where there apparently isn’t cable TV, internet, or other forms of entertainment) people chase a 7lb roll of Gloucester cheese down a very steep hill. Contestants are often injured during the event, and this year, the winner rolled over the finish line completely unconscious. She didn’t know she had won until she woke up in the medical tent.

The other question I had is why there isn’t a Go-Fund-Me page or International nonprofit to solve the Gloucester Boredom Crisis. These people have NOTHING to do, for heaven’s sake. They’ve taken to inventing silly sports like cheese chasing. We can’t let them continue like this. The world must intervene with things like PlayStations and board games. Send them a soccer ball or a skateboard before they decide cheese chasing isn’t fun anymore and decide to invade and pillage Essex or Manchester by The Sea. Who knows where it could end? Gloucesterans might become the modern Vikings. Maybe the Vikings wouldn’t have invaded everywhere if they had Super Mario Cart.

Switching to a completely unrelated question, do you remember your dreams? Sometimes I think of something funny to write in a dream. A few times, I get up and write it down. But sometimes I tell myself I will remember what it was and when I wake up, it’s gone. I remembered one last week, but I don’t remember where it was going. In the dream, I was approaching a house and suddenly a man runs out dressed as Big Bird and he was being chased by a woman dressed as a hooker trying to stab him with her stilettos. Meanwhile, kids are waiting in line for Halloween Candy and the homeowner is distracted by her psychotic party guests.

So, my questions are:

  1. Wouldn’t that be the start of a great story?
  2. Should the homeowner be giving out full-sized candy bars?
  3. How far does Big Bird run before he gets stabbed?
  4. Is this normal, or am I the only one who dreams in book scenes?

Carry on, Citizens!