I didn’t win the billion-dollar jackpot from Mega Millions last week. I could blame my wife for purchasing the wrong ticket. I could blame math for making the odds so astronomical that you are 300 times more likely to get hit by lightning than win the cash. Or, I could just say that I’m happy I didn’t win and be grateful for all the good things I have.

But it would have been fun to buy a small town and build a full-size Godzilla around the water tower so, from a distance, it looked like he was wreaking havoc on the place. Did I type that out loud?

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the winning ticket was sold in Illinois and the AP reported that four emus are on the loose near Danville, IL. I think the owner of the emus dropped everything and drove to Des Plaines to claim to be a long-lost cousin of the winner. Now the emus are homeless, and the winner of the lottery has an irresponsible mooch on his or her doorstep.

Which is another reason I’m glad I lost. Not the emus. The mooches. People are always coming out of the woodwork and asking lottery winners for money. One day you think you have a firm grasp on your family tree. The next day, “Cousin Syd” from Arkansas shows up wanting you to fund his daughter Lilly Mae’s toe knuckle transplant. Next thing you know, you’re bogged down in toe knuckles and not building the Godzilla water tower you know you were put on this earth to achieve.

Had I won, I would have kept doing my weekly newsletter, however. I enjoy doing it and enjoy reading your responses. And if you’re reading this and are the person who won the jackpot, ignore Cousin Syd, and let’s get to work on that water tower.

Carry on, Citizens!