The zoo in Stockholm Sweden had to be closed this week because a king cobra escaped, according to Ben Hooper at UPI. To me, closing seems like an under-reaction. I think a king cobra escape would be grounds for a drone strike, but that’s just me. I know you’re thinking what about the other animals? And I say, when it’s a cobra, it’s every critter for themselves. And this isn’t just a cobra. This is a king cobra. That means it’s better than all the other cobras at doing cobra stuff. It’s such a villainous scoundrel of a cobra that all the other cobras said, “Let’s make this one our king.”

So, don’t tell me a drone strike is overreacting. Because if I lived in Sweden, that’s exactly what I would be asking my elected official to do. But back to the escape. It seems the cobra slithered out through a light fixture in its enclosure. However, it was the last line of the article that caught my attention: “Keepers had hoped the snake would mate with another cobra in the exhibit.”

And there it is. This cobra was trying to get out of a blind date! Haven’t we all been there? Suddenly, I have sympathy for the king. One minute you’re enjoying the bachelor life of cobrahood and next, you’re in a female king cobra’s enclosure, being forced to mate with some woman you’ve just met while a bunch of zookeepers observe. And since they mate for life, he’s stuck with a Queen he didn’t choose, and he’s got anywhere from 20-40 kids on the way. It’s enough to make one risk electrocution by sneaking out via a poorly installed light fixture.

I don’t blame the cobra for baling on a blind date. I’ve had a few bad blind dates in my lifetime. One began crying when I made the mistake of asking about her last boyfriend.  One showed up with a wedding ring on. Apparently, she hadn’t told her husband she had decided to start dating again and forgot to tell her friends she hadn’t actually gotten a divorce. And one turned out to be a cousin! Can you believe that?

So, maybe I can be persuaded to let the king cobra live. As long as he stays in Sweden.

Carry on, Citizens!