One of my wife’s co-workers recently announced that she was going on a bear hunt. She said it just as casually over a text as if she were running to the supermarket. It made my wife sit up and say, “you will never believe what my friend from work is doing.”

She proceeded to tell me about the bear hunt and I proceeded to ask the kind of questions that come to a disturbed mind like mine at that moment. Fortunately, my wife let me interview her co-worker via text. To protect her identity from PETA, we will call her Jaclyn*.

I had many questions, including:

  1. When participating in a bear hunt, do people wear funny costumes like those worn on a fox hunt?
  2. If so, do they blow an instrument that is in scale with the animal? For example, they blow a hunting horn (bugle) on a fox hunt. So, would they blow a tuba on a bear hunt?
  3. According to the 4 minutes of “research” I did on fox hunting, there is a specific job title in a fox hunt called the “whipper-in.” Is there a similar position in a bear hunt?
  4. When is the best time to hunt for bears?
  5. Do they eat the bear meat?

She was able to answer some of my questions (my rebuttal in parenthesis):

  1. Initially, she responded, “I now regret that I didn’t plan for costumes and horns.” Upon confirming the apparel requirements of the activity, she said, “To my knowledge, there is no official costume.” (Then what’s the point was my response.)
  2. “There is no horn blown that I’m aware of, but that does seem to make sense.” (“Exactly,” I said. My wife eye rolls at this point.)
  3. “I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a whipper-in.” (I smell a cover-up.)
  4. “The best time is after dinner.” (For the bears, maybe! Easier to see you in their habitat!)
  5. “Yes, they eat the meat. They, not me.” (Wise choice. Because now, those people are oozing bear scents from their bodies. And don’t think this human-on-bear mob hit hasn’t gone unnoticed by the bear mafia. I don’t trust animals that can sleep for 3 months. Too much opportunity to plot revenge.)

Later, Jacklyn reported that they had a lovely evening, but they didn’t manage to shoot any bears. The bears reported that they were hunted by people who shoot as well as the stormtroopers in Star Wars movies (Yes, bears are sci-fi fans).

As for me, I won’t be going on bear hunts. I would do a fox hunt, just to wear the red jacket and ridiculous hats. But I don’t think I would be too graceful on a full-sized horse. However, I am thinking of buying the costume and a Shetland pony so I can hunt chipmunks around my yard. Does anyone have a used horn?

*Real name: Jaclyn

Carry on, Citizens!