I’m simply bursting with excitement! Look at the email I just got!  

Dear Sir It is with great regards and respect to your personality that I send you this message, I want to suggest to you that I am planning to visit your country and will like to meet you upon arrival for a partnership venture that may interest you. Please indicate your interest by your reply so that will I know how to plan my trip. Thanks and I hope to hearing from you. Warm Regards,

Mr Klovic Diamond  

Can you believe it? A “partnership venture” with Klovic Diamond! I don’t have any idea who he is but with a name like that, he must be important. Of course, he also sounds like a Bond villain. Which means he may have either a henchman bodyguard or a femme fatale assistant. Either way, they’re coming to America and they want me to engage in some sort of “partnership venture.” (For the record, my wife says that if it is indeed a femme fatale assistant that a partnership venture is strictly out of the question. She seems ambivalent to the henchman bodyguard.)  

I wonder if this has anything to do with the Russian collusion stuff going on. Maybe I will be forced to appear before one of the 400 Congressional Committees looking into this stuff. If so, I plan to ask them a few questions of my own. Starting with, “Isn’t this whole thing about American jealousy of Russia’s tradition of amazingly powerful headwear?”  

Carry on, Citizens!