I’ve been hearing rumors on social media that people in power keep a nut list. I’m pretty sure I’m on it. And I’m okay with that. I’ve done some things–that to me were perfectly reasonable–but most normal people might think of as odd to get myself there.
There was the time I called Google and asked to speak to the person that creates new apps and features. They transferred me to a lady named Sophie, who I don’t believe was actually the person who creates new apps and features. I say this because she was way more interested in how I managed to get Google’s phone number when they pride themselves on being unreachable by the people who use their products. Apparently, I was some sort of dangerous glitch in the Matrix.
When she stopped interrogating me, I pitched her my idea:
Wouldn’t it be great if the weather forecast also told you the type of people you would run into during the day? For example: “Today will be partly cloudy, highs in the mid-50s. In the afternoon, the odds of running into people who are rude and crabby will be unseasonably high. So, avoid the grocery and the BMV.”
I’m sure they could cross-reference social media rage posts with the daily patterns of those people and let us know where the disagreeable people are going to be. They already use GPS data from our phones to tell you how busy restaurants are. Alas, Sophie from Google not only wasn’t interested, but she also told me not to call back.
That’s not the only reason I’m on it. During the last election, I got this text message from my Senator:
“This is Senator John Ruckelshaus. I’ll always serve in the bipartisan spirit of my mentor, Dick Lugar, and will always fight for you.”
This is the actual message I sent back:
“That’s great to know you will fight for me. When I was in high school, this kid used to bully me. I would like you to punch him in the nuts. Fight for me, John. Fight for me.”
John never responded. I’m sure he dispatched a staffer to punch my bully in the nether regions. Or, he asked to be notified if I ever visit Washington D.C. It could go either way.
My wife wishes she had access to the nut list before we got married. As a member of the public, she only had access to public records, background checks, etc. You have to be a tech guru, a titan of industry, or a member of the political class to have access to the nut list. That means she was not fully aware of my nonsense before the betrothal. Too bad for her she didn’t read this newsletter before we tied the knot.
Anyway, be yourself. Be odd, be different. Being like everyone else is boring. And don’t worry about the list. Now, I’ve got to go. I just got a text from a candidate. Maybe he can get something done about that bully…
Carry on, Citizens!
