Lots of people are concerned about the price of eggs. And have you ordered wings at your favorite pub lately? The prices are through the roof! But I have a solution to this madness: Hawaii!
Our youngest son lives on Oahu. He calls it the Island of Useless Chickens. (I think I may have rubbed off on him a bit.) You see there are all these chickens running around Hawaii that nobody even tries to eat. They come up to you at outdoor restaurants and demand food. The last time we visited, I was having a delightful meal at a BBQ restaurant when a chicken approached me and said, “I want food.”
And I said, “You are food!” The chicken pecked my shin.
My wife said, “Why are you talking to that feral chicken?”
Then she said to our son, “I’m having him tested when we get back.”
And I said, “Me or the chicken?”
She replied, “You. The chicken is staying here,” and to our son, “see what I have to deal with?”
For the record, the chicken did indeed stay in Hawaii. Along with all the other feral chickens. But that’s the point. We have all these chickens running around Hawaii that could solve the mainland egg/chicken crisis. They are everywhere! We just have to go get them.
And I’m sure that Hawaii would love for us to round them up. The city of Honolulu actually has a web page dedicated to feral chickens. You can download a feral chicken fact sheet. And believe me when I say, I never thought those words would ever be typed by these fingers. Feral chicken fact sheet. Has a nice ring, don’t you think? Sounds like a garage band that never made it, but your girlfriend always compares you to their drummer. But I digress.
I called the feral chicken complaint number on the fact sheet. I wanted to know if the city had a problem with me rounding them up and taking them back to the mainland. It didn’t go well.
Operator: Thank you for calling the Department of Customer Services, how may I direct your call?
Me: I would like to round up the feral chickens and bring them to Indiana.
Operator: Sir, if you are having a nuisance issue, we will send someone to remove the chickens and relocate them.
Me: Oh, I can round them up myself, I just want to know how to get them to the mainland. I know you have lots of rules about taking plants and animals off the island.
Operator: Sir, why do you want to take them off the island?
Me: Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we have an egg shortage over here.
Operator: Are you calling from Honolulu?
Me: No, Westfield. Indiana.
Operator: Let me get this straight. You want to round up feral chickens in Honolulu and take them to Indiana?
Me: Yes.
Operator: Are you insane?
Me: No, and I have a doctor’s note to prove it.
Operator: Goodbye.
As you can see, officials in Hawaii haven’t warmed up to the idea. But the Island of Useless Chickens is the answer to our egg price woes, I’m sure of it. Now, I just have to find a (legal) way of getting them here…
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