I was in Kohl’s this weekend and I had no idea they had changed their checkout system to a medieval torture maze to extract every last dollar from their customers. I’ve seen these before at places like At Home and Cost-Plus World Market. But Kohl’s has joined the bandwagon as well. I’m sure there are plenty of other stores that have this approach, but my wife hasn’t successfully got me inside those.
If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, instead of going straight to a counter and paying for the thing you came to buy, you must start at one spot and walk through a maze of impulse buy products. When you finally emerge on the other side with 2 bags of Hersey’s kisses, Spiderman corn cob holders, and a 90s pop culture deck of playing cards, you’re allowed to actually pay for the thing you were shopping for in the first place.
And that’s just for easily distracted adults like me. The truly insidious nature of the Gauntlet of Shopping Angst as I call it, is all the products and shelves are waist high to the average adult. Which means they are in reach of any active toddler. We watched a mom of two struggle with keeping her kids’ hands off the merchandise as she weaved through the gauntlet. And the aisles are just wide enough to get a cart down but narrow enough that even if a mom is holding a child, stuff is in the kid’s reach.
There really should have been one of those office water dispensers filled with chardonnay for the mom to chug when she successfully reached the end of the maze without having abandoned one or both of the kids with the oversized inflatable bananas they were trying to eat.
Speaking of which, who on earth needs an inflatable banana? But that’s the amazing thing about the Gauntlet of Shopping Angst: the product selection is random and unexplainable.
Unfortunately for me, when I emerged from the Gauntlet, I had set down the items I had originally planned to purchase. All I had in my hands were the corn cob holders. And the other rule of the Gauntlet is you can’t retrace your steps. The aisles are too narrow and always filled with people. So, I had to go around and start again while my wife went back to the car and considered how much smoother her life would be if she hadn’t married a deranged author.
The second time around was more successful. I found my original items between the cheese balls and the Housewives of Orange County official Stanley Drinking Cups. I abandoned the corn cob holders, found a fresh bag of Hershey’s Kisses, and managed to get out of the Gauntlet only slightly scathed. However, now I must return my original purchase. One more trip the Gauntlet of Shopping Angst. I wonder if they have Super Chicken Corn Cob holders?
Carry on, Citizens!
