The phrase, “all representatives are busy. Please continue to hold” is stuck in my brain. So is a relentlessly cheerful/uplifting song that’s being played on a loop through my phone’s speakers. As I write this, I’ve been on hold with the IRS for just a few minutes shy of two hours.
“PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD…”
It seems that a payment we made back in May wasn’t credited to our account. Our government deposited it, sure. They cashed the check and then used it to study the flight patterns of Uruguayan geese, something I’m sure is vitally important to maintaining American dominance in the field of bird watching or geese splatter patterns.
“PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD…”
I’m doing okay. I have fluids. However, there is a shocking lack of chocolate in my office right now. If I have to go another hour, I may need to text someone to bring me snacks. And, I’m starting to feel the urge to visit the bathroom.
“PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD…”
I’m considering taking the phone into the bathroom now. I’m also trying to distract myself with random thoughts such as:
1) Does the Queen or any other member of the Royal Family ever get lost in Windsor Castle?
2) Is the on-hold music meant to pacify callers or wear them down? Or both?
3) How many of my New Year’s resolutions have made it past February?
4) Is anybody actually working today at the IRS. Or are they ignoring the phones and celebrating Kevin’s birthday? Why is Kevin such a big deal? What did he ever do?
5) Would I look ridiculous in a velvet tuxedo?
“PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD…”
The message jars me out of my random neural firings and I add “get Kevin a birthday card” to my to-do list. Believe it or not, until my mind wandered, I was being pretty productive while on hold. But it’s hard to maintain focus when you have to pee, your stomach’s grumbling, and you can’t leave the room.
“PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD…”
And just when I think I can’t wait any longer, the music stops and a woman says, “how may I help you?”
**********
And I’m back. And the music is still playing. The first human told me that I need to speak to “another more qualified to assist with my particular problem” human. And the recording has told me my wait time will be 30-60 minutes.
“PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD…”
So, I’ll wait for the next human and listen to the bad music. But I can tell you this. Kevin will NOT be getting a birthday card from me this year. Instead, he will be getting a strongly worded letter. Because with service like this, I might just take my tax business to Uruguay and cut out the middle man.
“PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD…”
Carry on, Citizens!
