In Florida, iguanas are dropping from the trees. Apparently when the temperature dips below 40 degrees, they suffer a phenomenon called “cold-stunning” that makes them sluggish and temporarily paralyzed. Then they fall to the ground and appear to be dead or frozen.
I think I’m part iguana. When the temperature gets below 40, I too become temporarily paralyzed. But the powers that be (my wife and my employer) don’t recognize human-iguana cold stunning as a valid excuse to not do chores and or go to work. So, I warm myself up with gallons of hot chocolate and a space heater just inches from my desk.
That’s how I survive the winter. But if I’m being honest, I wish I wasn’t part iguana. I wish I was a bear. I want to sleep for two months or so every winter. Just take January and February to catch up on my sleep, burn off the fat, and emerge in March rested, skinnier, and just in time for my birthday. Wouldn’t that be fantastic?
I’ve reached out to my congress mammal about allocating government funds for human/bear research. The staff has stopped taking my calls and they even return my letters now. Honestly, I don’t know what the problem is. I think the world would get along much better if everybody who lives in cold climates got a two month long nap every year.
Alas, our government has other priorities. So, I’ll keep working on the next Roundabout novel and maybe head to Florida soon to watch the iguanas fall from the sky. I bet they wish they could be bears too.
Carry on, Citizens!
