I’m 58 years old, and I plan on going trick-or-treating this weekend. I’m using AI to scour social media to see who in my area is giving out full-sized candy bars and then mapping out my route. The goal is a massive hoard of chocolate. Why am I doing this? Because this is the last Halloween.
According to conspiracy theorists all over the web, the major chocolate companies will soon start selling lab-grown chocolate. Cadbury, Nestle, Kinder, M&M/Mars, and others are investing in lab-grown chocolate.
This diabolical pseudo-chocolate is extracted from sample cocoa beans, then grown in bioreactors. Then they take the biomass and turn it into cocoa butter and cocoa powder. And this isn’t some far-off futuristic plan. It’s being rolled out later this year and in early 2027.
By next year, people will give out fake chocolate to kids. It won’t be long before kids won’t want to leave their screens and send out their personal drones and robots dressed in costumes to gather the fake candy. Then homeowners will stop answering their doors and have their personal robots distribute the fake candy to the robots and drones.
Then people will stop attending adult Halloween parties, instead sending their robots dressed up as pirates and sexy nurses instead of going themselves. The future is bleak! And it all starts with fake chocolate!
So, when I come to your house in costume this weekend, it’s not because I refuse to grow up. It’s because I’m rebelling against the dystopian future of robots and fake candy. And I don’t want to grow up.
Carry on, Citizens!
