I want to be a madogiwa-zoku. Don’t worry, I don’t know how to pronounce it either. For the purposes of today’s story, we’re going to just call it the Mad Zoku.
But trust me, this is my new destiny. It turns out, 49% of Japanese companies have a Mad Zoku. What’s a Mad Zoku and why would I want to be one? I’m so glad you asked. The Mad Zoku has an office or cubicle by a window and is paid to do nothing. That’s right. Nothing. These are older employees who out of respect or an effort to avoid early retirement, are given positions where they have little or no responsibility!
Now, we’ve all had that co-worker that was supposed to do something but did nothing. But the Mad Zoku is supposed to do nothing. You look up their SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) in the company policy manual and it says, “This page intentionally left blank.”
Can you imagine the performance review of a Mad Zoku? I have:
Supervisor: I’ve been reviewing your output this quarter and we have a problem.
Mad Zoku: Oh, that doesn’t sound good. What’s the problem?
Supervisor: You’ve actually had output. There should be no output. You’re a Mad Zoku.
Mad Zoku: I can do less. I’m sure of it.
Supervisor: Here are some examples in your file. On May 10th, you attended a meeting. What were you thinking?
Mad Zoku: I was…
Supervisor: Don’t interrupt. In June, you opened PowerPoint. Do you even want to do nothing? Because I’m getting the impression you want to do something. The next report I get from IT, I better only see evidence of surfing the web or solitaire or we’re going to have a problem. Don’t make me replace your work computer with a Lite Brite or Etch A Sketch.
Mad Zoku: Yes sir.
Supervisor: Remember, the next time we meet, I don’t want to see any output.
Mad Zoku: Of course, I’ll do better.
Supervisor: No, don’t do better. Do nothing!
I feel like I’m entering the phase of my life where I could be an excellent Mad Zoku. However, I scoured Indeed, LinkedIn, and ZipRecruiter and they don’t have any listings currently. But I’m polishing my resume to be ready. I’ve already got my “about” section written for LinkedIn:
I excel at nothing. I’m ready to sit by a window and take up space at your company. I’m also willing to do nothing remotely, from my own window. Let’s discuss how I can do nothing for your company.
Carry on, Citizens!
