The news is terrifying these days. And I’m not even talking about the election. Last week scientists announced that sharks off the coast of Brazil tested positive for cocaine. I had no idea things had gotten that bad in the shark community. Sure, they’ve had alcohol issues since the 70s, what with the self-loathing from all of the Jaws movies. But cocaine? I don’t even want to think about what types of crime sharks are getting up to just to afford a cocaine habit.
If that wasn’t frightening enough, there is a sport you won’t see at the Olympics called vegan horse riding. In this sport, women run around a gym with hobby horses, jumping, prancing, and pretending to ride. (Now before you say I’m sexist, men may do this too. I just couldn’t find any actual video evidence of it.) This sport started in Finland for a lack of anything better to do. Remember, this is also a country that has a sport called “wife carrying,” and I’m absolutely not making that up. They also have a holiday called National Failure Day, which I’m guessing is a day of heavy drinking for parents of professional Vegan Horse Riding contestants.
In other news, a British woman’s collection of bedpans (the largest in Europe apparently) failed to sell at auction this week. I guess some s%#t you should just keep to yourself.
In Delaware, a miniature horse got loose, and police returned it to its owner. Not much of a news story, but it brings up an important point. If I ever come across a miniature horse, that little guy is coming home with me. Number 37 on my bucket list is to go through the Culver’s drive through on a mini horse dressed as a medieval knight.
Which brings us back to vegan horse riding. I think they should add a Monty Python element to the contest and have someone following the contestants, banging coconuts together. If you’re going to be absurd, go all the way.
Carry on, Citizens!
