So, let’s start with the details of the story. The report says that the couple was having sex for a half hour before somebody complained. This raises a couple of questions: Who timed it? And, what happened around minute 30 that so offended the onlookers that they complained. They were obviously not troubled by the first 29 minutes of the show. Am I the only one troubled by this?

The next question is obvious: Is chlorine a spermicide? I’m not trying to be crass here, but if this woman gets pregnant, the poor kid has way more than three strikes against him/her. “Where did you meet mommy?”  “In the deep end, son.”

And speaking of strikes, I’ve got the perfect actors to portray them, when (not if) Lifetime turns this into a movie. Not since Michael “Squints” Palledorous kissed Wendy Peffercorn in The Sandlot have we seen such romance associated with a public bathing facility. I say bring Chauncey Leopardi and Marley Shelton back together to play the Connersville couple.

Finally, I’m troubled by the fact that this happened in a public pool. I had enough trouble with the ocean after Jaws 1 and 2. Jaws 3 actually got me to go back in the ocean. It was so bad, I wanted to be eaten by a shark. So I won’t be visiting any public pools in the near future. At least not on the first date.

Carry on, Citizens!

Last week Derek Jeter hit his 3,000th hit. The milestone came as a home run in the bottom of the 3rd inning against the Senior Retirement Community Rays. The blast was caught by 23 year old Christian Lopez who graciously returned the ball to Jeter. The Yankees graciously offered him tickets for the rest of the season and other goodies. The IRS then graciously pimp slapped him with the threat of a $14,000 tax bill. All of which makes even the most cynical person stop and ask, “How many sentences in a row is he going to use the word graciously?”

Of course no one is talking about the performance enhancing drugs that may have helped Jeter get to this place. No, I’m not talking about steroids or HGH. I’m talking about anti aging creams and botox. How is it possible that Jeter looks the same as he did in his rookie season? The guy DOESN’T AGE! Am I the only one freaked out about this? I’m telling you the truth will come out and he will be consigned to the syringe shaped wing of the Baseball Hall of Fame that will house everyone from the Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Barry Bonds era.

And finally, amidst the Jeter hype, another baseball milestone is quietly going noticed. (Except here of course.) Jim Thome is clinging to the end of his career as a DH in Minnesota. Few people have noticed he is just 4 home runs from 600. Only 7 other players have reached that milestone. 4 of them have the cloud of steroids hanging over them. And though he played in the steroid era, Thome has never been implicated, accused of, or tested positive for steroids. He may have been the only legitimate home run king of his era. So, when he hits #600, I’ll write a post. And nobody will have to shame me into doing it.

Carry on, Citizens!

Now this may come as a shock, but neither shot improved the condition of the car. Thus, Mr. Lovato is now facing jail time and a dead car. His neighbors didn’t see the inherent value in shooting the car and called the police. This led to a standoff with police after he refused to leave his house. Can you blame him? Where was he going to go? His car wouldn’t start!

Lovato was sentenced to 90 days in jail. His car was buried in a tasteful, yet subdued, closed casket ceremony with family and close friends. A Jetta was not admitted.

If you’re concerned that his actions might spur copycats, I suggest you write your Congressmammal to introduce legislation to regulate gun violence against uncooperative automobiles. I’m sure they would much rather work on that than the debt ceiling.

Carry on, Citizens!

Many people ask me, “Jeff, why is it called ‘French Toast?’” And with all the wisdom of someone who rarely makes breakfast, I respond “It’s because the French version of toast beat out all the lesser toasts.”

Yes, there were lesser toasts that have competed with the French throughout the years. But, lesser toasts are just not as sweet in the morning. And let’s face it, French Toast just sounds good. It certainly sounds better than German Toast, which was officially banned by Kaiser Wilhelm. Scottish Toast never caught on in the U.S., as it is quite disgusting —what with the bits of haggis baked into the bread.

Irish Toast had a brief run of supremacy until the Irish figured out that it was much easier to drink the whiskey straight from the bottle than to soak the bread in it for two days. Swiss Toast was a complete disaster, inasmuch as it had holes like the cheese, thus it was a terrible delivery platform for syrup.

The British never really embraced toast, focused on the muffin as they were. As such, they did not fight in the Toast Wars (1875-1986). However, they did lend advisers and supplies to the American led Pancake Uprising of 1955 (at about 7:30 AM).  The Pancake Uprising failed to unseat the French and in 1986, the U.N. declared French to be the Official Toast. However, Texas has always maintained it’s Toast independence, choosing to serve their toast without syrup and at all times would you believe —with dinner!

Despite the insolence of Texans, French has remained the official toast. And so, historians agree that the last known victory by the French was in the Toast War. Viva La France!

Carry on, Citizens!

“What’s a tweetup?” asked his wife.

“It’s a social event, where people mix and mingle and tweet for hours. And, they share a hashtag,” he answered.

“Umm, you’re married now. The only person you’re sharing a hashtag with is me.”

“No, honey, a hashtag is a keyword that we use to track the conversation. It’s a word with a pound sign in front of it.”

“A word with a pound sign in front of it? I thought you were so cool when we married, what happened?”

“This is cool, trust me.”

“So when is this tweetup?”

“Next, Thursday.”

“I have Zumba at 8:30. Be home by then.”

With his wife’s blessing (sort of), he went off to organize the tweetup. He used Eventbrite to create the event, and invited all sorts of cool people to be part of his tweetup like @bgkahuna and @naptownbuzz. He talked to the people at Burd Ford and they agreed to host. Everything seemed to be going well, but dark clouds were on the horizon. And not just because @nicoleWTHR had predicted thunderstorms that night. No, someone sinister had signed up to attend.

But, our hero didn’t know about the sinister attendee. He was just focused on getting some live music to the event. Did I mention our hero was named Ted? Well, I just did. Why Ted, you ask? Because the world needs a hero named Ted. I’m certain of it. Anyway, Ted contacted @randyclarktko to find out if his band could play the tweetup.

“Sure, we would love to do it. I’m working like crazy to finish a huge project, but we should be done by then.”

“What’s the project?”

“Oh, some knucklehead won the lottery and paying us to create a forty story sign with Godzilla on it near the JW Marriot.”

“@jeffstanger?”

“Yep, that’s the guy. He’s also paying us to create the world’s largest Pez dispenser.”

“What character?’

“Marvin the Martian. Okay, I’ve got to go. See you at the tweetup.”

Ted had his location and his band. He had the invites out and he just needed the food. Meanwhile, his sinister guest was making her own plans for next Thursday!

To be continued…

Carry on, Citizens.

Anyway, “planking” as it is known in Taiwan, China, and Australia is becoming quite popular. Apparently you just lie face down and get your picture taken. This is somehow viewed as artistic and deep and brings awareness to a variety of serious world issues such as pet overpopulation, climate change, and fears of another Twilight movie.

Yet, being the civic minded chap that I am, I began to think about how I could use planking to call attention to the serious issues here in Indianapolis. For starters, I could plank in front of Conseco Fieldhouse to draw attention to the fact that the Pacers haven’t been relevant since Reggie Miller retired. Or, I could plank on Monument Circle, and call attention to the fact that there isn’t one statue of Jim Gaffigan anywhere in this state!

According to Reuters, one of the Taiwanese plankers said, “It’s not really that difficult to plank and I really don’t mind getting dirty.” Have we fallen this far? I mean let’s face it, Americans get a lot of grief for being couch potatoes, but at least we still have the gumption to get out into the streets with signs and march for heaven’s sake! Protesting by lying face down on the ground? That’s the ultimate slacktivism!

Carry on, Citizens!

It all started nearly a decade ago when the USC Trojans decided that the best way to win championships was to look the other way when agents, boosters, and the Russian mafia* would hang out with their players. “Free cars, houses, gold plated Pez dispensers? We didn’t see ANY of that,” was what the coaching staff would routinely say. Well, somebody saw lots of that and the program was put on probation by the NCAA.

Not that they did it right away, mind you. This case has been going on Reggie Bush’s entire professional career! But, the BCS finally got around to taking away their 2004 title. And that means, we need a new champion!

So, without further adieu, unless you like that sort of thing, I will name the Carry On, Citizens 2004 BCS Champions: The Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes! Why the Fighting Artichokes, you ask? Well, for starters, can you think of a more ridiculously unique mascot in all of college athletics? Secondly,there isn’t anything more ridiculous than having no champion, so why not name a school that isn’t even in Division 1 (or the Bowl Championship Division as they keep trying to get us to call it).

Finally, Oklahoma lost. And I’m sure they wouldn’t want to be handed the title without earning it. And the same goes for every other school in the NCAA. That’s why letting me name a new champion makes total sense (to me anyway). Now, there have been other NCAA championships vacated in the past. And I’ve decided to name the winners in those years/sports too. So if your oft overlooked community or junior college would like a Carry On, Citizens National Championship, drop me a note or post a comment below. We might even send you a trophy!

Carry on, Citizens!

Just this past week an illegal shipment of tap dancing shoes was intercepted at an Italian airport. It’s worse than we thought, Citizens. The Italian Mob is involved in this! Can you imagine the plot of The Godfather 4? The Corleone family has moved from gambling, prostitution, etc. to smuggling tap dancing shoes. Maybe it will be a musical.

According to Reuters

“A U.N. diplomat told Reuters on Tuesday that the seized shipment involved several dozen pairs of tap-dancing shoes. He said that it was not clear how the tap shoes might fit into North Korean leader Kim Jong-il’s lavish lifestyle, which includes grandiose stage performances by North Korean performers.”

I love the part of the quote that says “not clear how the tap shoes might fit into his lavish lifestyle.” Now that’s the awesome part of being an evil dictator! You can walk around with a crazy haircut, women’s frames for you glasses, and tap dancing shoes and absolutely NOBODY can say anything about it. Well, not to your face anyway. And that apparently is the preferred get-up of Korea’s leader. Personally, I prefer the traditional apparel of our American elected officials. Although, I do think it would be fun if the Vice-President had to wear tap dancing shoes to work every day.

Carry on, Citizens!

I got an email from Target today. They appear to be really hurting for beauty expertise, because the subject line reads: “Share your beauty tips for a chance to win sweet swag!” Hmm… what do you think would cause Target to attempt to bribe me to share my beauty tips? Should I cave in with simple swag, or should I hold out for money? More importantly, do I even have any beauty tips?

As referenced before, I’m SLTH so I don’t know why Target needs my tips. They even asked in the email if I was their biggest beauty fan. I didn’t even know I was “a” fan, let alone the “biggest” one. Maybe they meant biggest as measured by lbs as opposed to measured by undying devotion to their products.

At any rate, I’m going to give them a tip. Maybe they will send me some swag or a gift card? So, Target, here’s my beauty tip. It’s served me well over the years, and I think it will be useful to some of your customers.

TIP: The less the picture is in focus, the better I look.

Carry on, Citizens!

Who was the greater Fab 5? Let’s compare:

• Michigan played in 2 Final 4′s.  Devo played on 5 continents. Advantage Devo.
• Michigan had the baggy shorts. Devo had the red plastic hats. Advantage Devo.
• Michigan was ranked in the top 25. Devo charted in the U.S., Britain, and Australia. Advantage Devo.
• All of the Michigan players are retired. Devo toured last summer. Advantage Devo.
• Michigan players illegally took money from boosters. Devo funded the video of Whip It themselves. Advantage Devo.

I think it’s pretty clear who the greater “Fab 5″ was. Advantage Devo!

Carry on, Citizens!