My candidates for Congress Mammal don’t like each other. I mean really don’t like each other. Every day they send me postcards and letters telling me how bad the other person is and why I shouldn’t vote for them.
Their names are Victoria and Christina. Yesterday, Victoria sent me four pieces of mail to tell me all the ways that a vote for Christina would send the earth hurtling towards the sun. I didn’t make that up (well maybe the earth/sun thing). She really sent me four pieces of mail on the same day.
We still have four weeks until Election Day! And they’ve been bombarding me with mail for months. Which means they’ve covered all the issues people care about. Can you imagine what they are going to be saying about each other in a few more weeks?
Well, I write fiction. Imagining is what I do. So, here is what I imagined they will say about each other in the next round of postcards.
Victoria: If you elect Christina, she will remove algebra from schools and our kids will fall behind.
Christina: If you elect Victoria, she will force adults who haven’t been in school for 20+ years to actually use algebra.
Victoria: If you vote for Christina, your lawn will die.
Christina: If you vote for Victoria, your mother-in-law will die.
Victoria: If Christina is elected, she will outlaw the right to set off fireworks on the 4th of July.
Christina: If Victoria is elected, she will outlaw the use of commas.
Victoria: In all her years in public life, Christina has yet to denounce Miracle Whip. What is she hiding and who is she taking money from?
Christina: Victoria has secrets. And she sends them in catalog form to houses all over the world. Vote for me and we will expose her secrets.
Victoria: Christina isn’t even a real Hoosier.
Christina: Victoria isn’t even a real blonde.
Victoria: That was low. If you vote for Christina all life as you know it will cease to exist because of climate change.
Christina: If you vote for Victoria, the climate will be even “changier.” And, all life won’t end. You’ll be left alive with no other family and friends, but door-to-door magazine salespeople will survive. It will be hell on earth.
That’s what I imagine the next few weeks will be like. So, my advice is to not even read the political mail. Just take it straight to the trash, avoid TV news, and watch the baseball playoffs.
Carry on, Citizens!