Miami– The Society to Prevent All Things Marginally Offensive (SPATMO) has successfully won their injunction against the state of Indiana, Indianapolis, and specifically the Indianapolis Colts. Just nine years shy of turning 200, the state will be required to change its name to Native Americana. The capital city will be renamed Native Americanapolis. And, of great concern to the NFL and its vendors, the Colts will hereby be named The Native Americanapolis Colts.
The fallout from the decision has stretched from northern Indiana–errr Native American to Miami. A distraught Peyton Manningsaid, “Native Ameria what? How the heck do I pronounce that in a commercial? My endorsement days are over!”
Taking it particularly hard was Reebok Licensed Apparel plant manager John Foreman. The Native Americanopolis based factory had produced thousands of Colts Super Bowl Championship t-shirts in anticipation of a Colts win. “Foreman ended his life after hearing of the court’s decision,” said a company spokesman. “He looked out upon the sea of “Indianapolis” merchandise produced this past week and took his life in the only way he could, given the circumstances. He ripped off his shirt, laid on the platen, and let the automated printer impress “Indianapolis Colts, Super Bowl Champs” on his bare chest. Then he jumped on the dryer belt and road through the industrial dryer.”
SPATMO has been joined at the Super Bowl for a week-long protest of the NFL by PETA, NAMBLA, and the SPCA PETA is particularly annoyed by the animal names used by sports teams. Peta spokesperson Maple Davis issued the following statement:
“PETA is here to protest the using of animal names for team nicknames. Consider the poor Cardinal. Our research has shown that self-esteem in Cardinals throughout the country is at an all-time low. Knowing that the Arizona Cardinals are the laughingstock of the NFL has caused depression levels in real Cardinals that haven’t been seen in this country since Stan Musial retired. Unless you want to see Cardinals on Prozac, you had better rename Arizona. And do I even need to talk about the Lions? Matt Millen has single handedly caused suicide rates among captive zoo lions to increase 400% during his tenure. PETA estimates that if he finishes his contract, lions will be extinct by 2011!”
A SPATMO spokesman views the victory as only the beginning. “We plan to join PETA in the fight to rename the animal team names. We feel the name Native Americana Youthful Equus Caballuses of Indeterminate Gender, Orientation, Religion, and Shoe Size is more politically correct.”
Reebok countered by saying that if SPATMO was successful, they would close North American operations, move to Australia and sell Aussie Rules Football gear.
Enjoy the Super Bowl and cheer on the Native Americanapolis Equ– oh, screw SPATMO!
Carry on, Citizens!