ToFurkey & Other Lies

ToFurkey & Other Lies

Thanksgiving is upon us. It’s time for overeating, bad football, and endless Black Friday ads. And it’s time for vegans and vegetarians to try to convince me that ToFurkey tastes like real turkey. It doesn’t.  I’m not a fan of plant-based...
The Doors That Shant Be Opened

The Doors That Shant Be Opened

Yesterday, my dog jumped on my lap to deliver urgent news. I was sitting in a recliner and my glasses fell off the top of my head and behind the chair. (An important detail that would necessitate ominous music if this was a British crime drama.)  Gizmo’s...
Help Me Get Banned

Help Me Get Banned

This may come as a surprise, but writing books has NOT made me a billionaire. It hasn’t made me a millionaire. It hasn’t even made me a thousandaire. However, I have been able to keep my dog in a steady supply of rawhide bones, so he thanks you.  So,...
How I Got Banned From Walgreens

How I Got Banned From Walgreens

I’ve had writer’s block for 2 days. Maybe I got spoiled by the weather last week. You would think the turning leaves would inspire lots of words, but not so much. So, I decided to write about writer’s block. It’s kind of like word constipation,...
The Department of Obscure Questions

The Department of Obscure Questions

Due to a keen sense of needing to know useless trivia (along with not having anything else to write about today), I have decided to answer a deeply troubling question sent in by Outstanding Citizen Herbert Schwump of Austin, TX. Mr. Schwump writes: Dear Jeff, In what...
I’m Not Dead Yet

I’m Not Dead Yet

Yesterday, I got an odd message from an old co-worker. It said, “Hey. Haven’t talked in a while. Just got a text from someone. Are you ok?” Sounds cryptic, doesn’t it. Could be a scam, someone posing as my friend. Or it could be the CIA playing...