I’m afraid that my book might someday be successful. I’m afraid of success. I’m mostly afraid that Larry Flynt has nude photos of me. Larry Flynt has nude photos of everybody. He has nude photos of you. You’re just not famous yet, so he’s holding on to them.
Larry Flynt is Big Brother. He has cameras everywhere! He’s watching you right now as you read this blog. He’s watching and waiting — waiting for you to take your clothes off. As soon as you do, the pictures are taken and he puts them in his 4 billion square foot Not Yet Famous People Vault. Everyone in North America, with the exception of Madonna because it’s rarer to photograph her with clothes on, is in the vault. And rest assured, if you become famous, Larry Flynt will announce that he has photos of you.
I thought about writing to Larry and ask if he had any tasteful photos of me for the back cover of my book —something arty and not too revealing. However, I figure that I really need to lose 25-30 lbs. So instead, I’m going to ask Larry to have the secret photos currently in the vault to be replaced with photos secretly taken of me after I lose the weight. I won’t know when the photos will be taken of me, you never do with Larry. I’m just going to write and ask him to turn off the cameras for 6 months so I can get in shape.
I’m also going to ask Larry if he took any secret photos of me when I went to the Metrodome to see the Twins/White Sox game. I took my photos to Walmart and the Photo Minions promptly lost the pictures. Of course, I was completely clothed for the entire time I was at the Metrodome, so the likelihood of Larry taking any pictures is kind of slim. However, a few accidental shots may have been taken in anticipation of disrobing. If so, I hope he got Kirby Puckett in the shot as well, because Kirby hit a 3-run homer that day. For the record, Kirby remained clothed throughout the game and for the post-game interview.
I also had pictures of Frank Thomas taking batting practice. It’s been several years, but according to my recollection, Frank was fully clothed. However, Larry might have accidentally taken a picture or two of Frank. If so, I think Larry wouldn’t mind sending me a few pictures to make up for my lost vacation film. I bet if Larry took over Walmart’s photo department, they wouldn’t lose your photos.
Carry on, Citizens!